I have to admit I don’t know much about theoretical physics. Who does? People in the field have had a well-deserved reputation for chattering about things that make no sense to anyone else.
Naturally, I was not familiar with
Niels Bohr and the Copenhagen Interpretation of the behavior—or misbehavior—of tiny little bits of things. I just thought the notion that "nothing exists until somebody observes it" sounded loony.
But now that I have had a chance to study the subject a little, and perused the theories of
Niels Bohr, and
Max Planck, and some of the other heavy hitters in the wave-versus-particle smackdown, I’m slightly better informed. Of course, it still sounds loony, but I’m warming up to it.
Max and the others are an impressive bunch, but Niels is way more fun.
According to my sources, the debate about whether elementary particles of matter really are particles or are in fact waves seems to have driven poor Niels to distraction; so, in order to stifle the debate—and probably to stifle some of the voices in his head—he came up with a couple of clever dictums.
Niels’ Greatest Hits #1: “When it looks like a particle, it is a particle. When it looks like a wave, it is a wave.”
That’s a nifty way to dispose of the argument, even though it smacks of—to say the least—an uncharacteristic abandonment of scientific rigor on the part of good old Niels. Rather than press on trying to solve the wave-versus-particle conundrum, he finally upends the apple cart and says: “It’s neither! It’s both! Whatever!” Not that I blame him.
Niels’ Greatest Hits #2: “It is meaningless to ascribe any properties or even existence to anything that has not been measured.”
This one is breathtaking; no wonder Niels got the big money. It combines a deft handling of the aforementioned with some kick-down-the-fences audacity. “Measure this, pal,” says Niels, knowing that it can’t be done. Brilliant! Furthermore, saying that nothing is real unless it’s observed is just a baby step from: “Nothing exists unless I say so.”
Frankly, I like it. It nourishes my pretensions to godlike power. Behold! I bring things into existence by the merest glance. Before me, nothing! Without me, nothing!
After me... well, I don’t know. If I bring things into being by looking at them, do I therefore render them nonexistent by looking the other way? Can I ignore things into oblivion? Once I bring a thing into being by observing it, do I need to appoint someone else keep an eye on it, lest it suffer from neglect and disappear?
Still left hanging is the question regarding how, if a thing didn’t exist before I cast my sacred visage its way, I managed to observe it. How did I know to look there? Damn, I’m good. Man-gods like Niels and me are amazing! I am in awe of my own divine powers.
Other Articles of Bailey Stone
Just for fun, let’s assume a really fanciful, utterly unimaginable set of circumstances - a real screwball fantasy:
Let’s say that a group of religion-drunk psychopaths with dreams of paradise flew a pair of commercial aircraft full of screaming passengers into the twin towers of the World Trade Center in New York City on, say, September 11th, 2001
(Sep 09, 2011)
A source tells me that the Icelandic volcano eruption that has been spewing ash and inconvenience all over Europe lately has negated every single effort we have made over the last half a decade to control the dreaded CO2 emissions that are CHOKING OUR PLANET and DESTROYING MOTHER EARTH and causing Al Gore to go all red in the face
(Aug 24, 2011)
As we all know, the United States Post Office is having some issues - facing billions of dollars in losses and kicking around a few ideas to cut costs - curtailing delivery on Saturday, or only delivering every other piece of junk mail (just kidding about that last bit)
The USPS came rattling its tin cup during the Great Bailout months of 2009, but the feds had already forked over all their bailout funds to GM and AIG
(Aug 23, 2011)
Postcards, bah Pointy corners that could put an eye out
(Aug 23, 2011)
I have to admit I don’t know much about theoretical physics Who does
(Aug 23, 2011)
There was a theory going around a few years ago that the age of the internet would mean the end of print advertising Like a lot of theories, that one has turned out to be wrong
(Aug 23, 2011)
Your business card is your identity in a small format Because it is typically the first introduction a client has with your company, it is vitally important to have a card that puts across the right message
(Aug 23, 2011)
"One day Chicken Little was walking in the woods when—KERPLUNK—an acorn fell on her head 'Oh my goodness
(Aug 12, 2011)
Having worked for so long on a Macintosh, a far superior (and, admittedly, slightly more expensive) computer, I have been spoiled; and have lost touch with you afflicted proletarians, toiling under the grim and unforgiving aegis of the Microsoft Death Star
It is easy for us, the enlightened and blessed minority, to forget what it’s like out there for the oppressed masses, cringing virtually every moment of your waking lives under Microsoft's cruel lash of conformity and enforced dysfunction
(Aug 10, 2011)
Without further ado, here is the skinny on postage rates and regulations on postcards:
4” x 6” or 425” x 6" postcards
These mail at a first class individual stamped rate of 27 cents each
(Jul 28, 2011)
