A source tells me that the Icelandic volcano eruption that has been spewing ash and inconvenience all over Europe lately has negated every single effort we have made over the last half a decade to control the dreaded CO2 emissions that are CHOKING OUR PLANET and DESTROYING MOTHER EARTH and causing Al Gore to go all red in the face.
Can this be? Years of effort to recycle everything and waste nothing - and all we get is the short end of the enviro-stick?
I need another source on this story. Who could believe a volcano, one of Mother Nature’s special wonders, would turn on us like this? After all, volcanoes are part of nature, and nature is always natural, and everything natural is good. I’m guessing that volcano carbon is the GOOD carbon, and stuff like cow flatulence is the BAD carbon! But wait, cows are part of nature, too, so...
Ok, maybe volcanoes and cow flatulence are the GOOD carbon, and bike riding on the interstate instead of driving is bad, and... no, wait, bike riding is GOOD... So it's volcanoes and cow flatulence and bike riding that are good, and flying around on airplanes that is bad.
...Unless you fly around on airplanes going to
climate change conferences where you listen to speeches about how to protect the world from people who fly around on airplanes for other reasons - selfish reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with SAVING THE PLANET.
Now we're getting somewhere. So volcanoes and cow flatulence and bike riding and flying for the RIGHT REASONS are good. Everything else is bad.
...Except for hurricanes and tornadoes and earthquakes and tsunamis, which can’t be bad because they are also natural - just more fine examples of Mother Nature’s wondrous bounty of delightful surprises.
So volcanoes and hurricanes and tornadoes and earthquakes and tsunamis and cow flatulence and bike riding and flying for the RIGHT REASONS are good.
...Unless the volcanoes and hurricanes and tornadoes and earthquakes and tsunamis are somehow caused by
global warming, which has absolutely nothing to do with nature, and everything to do with humans driving around in SUVs.
So volcanoes and hurricanes and tornadoes and earthquakes and tsunamis and cow flatulence and bike riding and flying for the RIGHT REASONS are good, UNLESS some of those things are caused by
global warming, which is all our fault and not a part of nature at all.
Everything else is bad, and makes more of the bad carbon, which kills plants and... but wait... plants live on carbon, and turn the planet green, and green is natural and therefore good (besides being everybody’s favorite color), and so carbon must be...
Ok, how about this: maybe the GOOD carbon makes the plants grow, and the cows eat the plants and emit the good flatulence, and then the right-thinking people eat the cows, which gives them the strength to ride their bicycles on the interstate and fly around on airplanes saving the world from other people who don't eat cows or ride bicycles...
This is very confusing.
Other Articles of Bailey Stone
Just for fun, let’s assume a really fanciful, utterly unimaginable set of circumstances - a real screwball fantasy:
Let’s say that a group of religion-drunk psychopaths with dreams of paradise flew a pair of commercial aircraft full of screaming passengers into the twin towers of the World Trade Center in New York City on, say, September 11th, 2001
(Sep 09, 2011)
A source tells me that the Icelandic volcano eruption that has been spewing ash and inconvenience all over Europe lately has negated every single effort we have made over the last half a decade to control the dreaded CO2 emissions that are CHOKING OUR PLANET and DESTROYING MOTHER EARTH and causing Al Gore to go all red in the face
(Aug 24, 2011)
As we all know, the United States Post Office is having some issues - facing billions of dollars in losses and kicking around a few ideas to cut costs - curtailing delivery on Saturday, or only delivering every other piece of junk mail (just kidding about that last bit)
The USPS came rattling its tin cup during the Great Bailout months of 2009, but the feds had already forked over all their bailout funds to GM and AIG
(Aug 23, 2011)
Postcards, bah Pointy corners that could put an eye out
(Aug 23, 2011)
I have to admit I don’t know much about theoretical physics Who does
(Aug 23, 2011)
There was a theory going around a few years ago that the age of the internet would mean the end of print advertising Like a lot of theories, that one has turned out to be wrong
(Aug 23, 2011)
Your business card is your identity in a small format Because it is typically the first introduction a client has with your company, it is vitally important to have a card that puts across the right message
(Aug 23, 2011)
"One day Chicken Little was walking in the woods when—KERPLUNK—an acorn fell on her head 'Oh my goodness
(Aug 12, 2011)
Having worked for so long on a Macintosh, a far superior (and, admittedly, slightly more expensive) computer, I have been spoiled; and have lost touch with you afflicted proletarians, toiling under the grim and unforgiving aegis of the Microsoft Death Star
It is easy for us, the enlightened and blessed minority, to forget what it’s like out there for the oppressed masses, cringing virtually every moment of your waking lives under Microsoft's cruel lash of conformity and enforced dysfunction
(Aug 10, 2011)
Without further ado, here is the skinny on postage rates and regulations on postcards:
4” x 6” or 425” x 6" postcards
These mail at a first class individual stamped rate of 27 cents each
(Jul 28, 2011)
