1. He or she intentionally set out to lie, deceive and cheat on you.
2. You're scared to give him your heart again for fear that he will just break it again
3. Your spouse doesn't seem to be genuinely sorry or truly remorseful that they hurt you and put your marriage in jeopardy.
As the victim of the affair, waiting for your spouse to apologize to you can leave you feeling stuck and unable to move forward, because you have placed great emphasis on hearing remorse, responsibility, and requests for forgiveness from him. Besides, how are you supposed to forgive him, when he hasn’t even asked for your forgiveness.
Your cheating spouse should apologize and ask for forgiveness for the terrible pain he has caused you, but that does not mean that he or she will do so. So where does that leave you? If you can’t forgive, what’s left? How can you rebuild what you once had and move on with your lives?”
When healing after an affair it is important that your cheating spouse be truly remorseful to make it work Without that there isn't much chance for true long-term success in your marriage. Whether your spouse apologizes or not, you still need to come to terms with the affair. If you can't find it in your heart to forgive your spouse at this time, there is another path that you can take, and that is acceptance.
Acceptance is the ability to be okay with something that happened, even though it would have been nicer if it had not have happened. When you accept that the affair happened, it no longer affects you negatively, you can actually learn to live with it. Acceptance gives you the freedom to stop suffering and to move on. It will also allow you to systematically work through your anger, overcome your anxiety, rebuild trust in your partner, and do so without being stuck with the feeling that your spouse is going to walk all over you again.
With forgiveness you feel like you have to just hurry up and get over your feelings, but with acceptance you choose to tolerate what your spouse did and the feelings you are experiencing now. If you are willing to do that, you can then take specific steps toward overcoming the difficult emotions and experiences you are now suffering from and regain some semblance of peace in your life.
If you aren’t ready to forgive your spouse for the affair, you can try accepting the situation and see if it brings you any peace. When healing after an affair, you may even find that forgiveness comes naturally once you've learned to accept what happened.