It's not a fun moment.
The real problem comes when the single moment turns into a habit. And that's where most parents with chronic back talkers end up; dealing with an entrenched habit which is much more difficult to fix than a single smart mouthing episode.
Sometimes well-meaning parents actually facilitate their child's habit of talking back. How? Let's take a look.
* Ignoring the back talk.
I see this advice given out on forums and in articles all the time. But the question is, does it work to ignore back talk? My own experience of nearly 30 years of parenting clearly tells me that's the wrong approach to solving this sneaky problem.
Now, it is helpful to clarify what I mean by ignoring. If you are in the middle of a conversation with your child, things get heated and your child smarts off to you and you keep right on talking like the smart mouthing didn't happen, that's ignoring it.
If you pounce on your child like a bulldozer and take her down, either physically or verbally, that's overreacting. Neither of those extremes help. In fact, they will both encourage the habit to continue.
Does that make sense?
* Escalating the argument.
It's easy if you were just challenged through back talk to want to rise up and assert your authority with your child.
And I think you should. But appropriately.
As I said earlier, if by asserting your authority you tear your child apart, either verbally or physically, you have a much more serious problem then a back talking child. You are reacting in an out of control manner and that NEVER works. If that sounds like you, then, please, for both you and your child's sake, get help now.
Perhaps, though, instead of attacking your child you simply keep the argument going. In essence you talk back to your child's back talk.
Here's how it might look.
- Child: You're stupid and I will NOT do what you say!
- Parent: Oh honey, don't talk like that! You hurt my feelings when you say that!
- Child: It's true. You're an idiot.
- Parent: Stop that right now. You know you have to listen to me. I'm your parent.
- Child: I don't have to do anything you say. I'm getting out of here. (Slammed door)
- Parent: (in tears) Why won't he (she) listen to me?
If that sounds way too familiar, then take a step back and a deep breath. It's so easy to get in the habit of trying to talk your child into being nice that you don't even notice when it's not working and in fact, is escalating the problem.
The solution to this scenario is to stop talking! Have a one-liner you are comfortable with that establishes your authority and requires respect from your child and then exit the conversation.
Let's face it. From toddlers to teens, some kids are expert talkers and realize they hold power when they can continue to engage their parents in an argument. If you continue the talk, you continue to give them power they
a) are not ready for
b) don't deserve and
c) belongs to you!
So, Mom or Dad, take back the leadership role in your home with your child. When you are considering how to stop back talking in your family, make sure you have a firm grip on your own responses.
Stay calm, know what you are going to say and be ready to drop out of the conversation.